The Art of Being Homesick
I recently moved abroad and it has made me realize I took a lot for granted. Change is something I value highly in how I live my life. I just didn’t know this change of where I live would hurt so bad. I went from a small city in Pennsylvania in the US to Edinburgh, Scotland. This move was to attend university and get a masters degree in International Development. I convinced myself that I was totally ready for this next step in my professional and personal life but, now I feel like you can never be completely prepared for a change as big as moving far away from everything you know.
Before leaving I thought I had grieved the things I was giving up to make this dream of moving abroad a reality. I did all of the tearful goodbyes with friends and family. Even a month before leaving I would randomly burst into tears thinking of leaving my dog and him not knowing where I am or why I left. I sold off tons of my material possessions, even my car that I cherished (it was a vintage ford mustang convertible so my sadness over this is valid). I spent all summer eating my fill of Wawa, Chick fil a, and Applebees before leaving because time was soon approaching where I couldn’t have it anymore. To me these were the mental and physical preparations needed before leaving.
I have now been living in Edinburgh for a month and a half and I love it here. The city is home to a diverse pool of people all are coming from different backgrounds. I love talking to others and hearing their stories. There is always something new to see and experience here. Living here has been a constant learning experience in the best way possible. This city is beautiful and I feel a sense of home here. Forcing yourself out of your comfort zone is how you evolve as a person. Upon setting foot in the UK I was left up to my own devices to figure out a new everyday normal. Figuring out public transport, navigating grocery shopping, finding new personal hygiene products to use, and other things were things I had to relearn in this new to me environment and it was very overwhelming. Everything changed all at once. I never thought I would miss Target this much.
There were things about homesickness that I didn’t think about until having this experience and it could not have been explained to me. To me homesickness was always about missing people and physical things from home so I grieved and prepared myself to give up those things for something new. Instead I am finding that my homesickness is stemming from the things I did not think to grieve in the normal context. I had to shed a version of myself for this opportunity and I miss her and the life she got to live.
There is a version of me that could have stayed and relied on continued comforts I was accustomed to. I loved going to the same target to shop every week. I would go to the shore every summer with friends and family. I would visit the same pumpkin patches and apple orchards in the fall. This version of me had traditions that I actively looked forwards to and had a very different path than what I am currently living. It could have been simple but, I took the path where I am making new traditions and norms. I could go back to those things once I am done with my MSc program but, by then I will not be the same person that I was when I left, or even the same person who I am currently writing this. New experiences shape you and when I go home to the same people I’ve known they will have changed to but, from different experiences compared to mine.
If or when I leave Edinburgh there are things from my life here I will grieve and miss as well. I am coming to terms that no matter where I end up I am going to miss something from one place or another. There is also no one path for me to take from this point onward. While I do get sad about what I gave up and have struggled with this aspect of my move I have also started to become excited about the future. One of the hardest parts for me is over now and it was that initial goodbye to a life I could have lived.
A form of empowerment has developed with me shedding one reality for another and I now see I have the strength and bravery to do it again and again. A goodbye of one life is not to forget it but gives the opportunity for a new beginning to build onto it. Once I started to shed this mindset of everything I was missing and giving up I start to see all of the things I was gaining. I have new friends, foods, and places that I have already developed a deep love for in this new chapter of life I am living. It is an unrecognized privilege to be able to have something or someone to miss. I am now grateful that I have people I love enough to miss and experiences I will cherish enough to want to do it all over again.
The act of living involves feeling whether its good, bad or something in between. Being homesick and missing things is a natural response to leaving a place you called home no matter for how long or short a time. The exciting part of homesickness to me now is that if I feel this sense of missing something it also means I am gaining something else in exchange. I have a new found hope for all of the different paths and lives I can live in the future that is not yet determined for me. To dwell too much on this sadness and grief will ultimately not allow you to fully experience all a new home has to offer you. Trying to make a new place feel like a home can be hard and it might end up that it is not the right fit for you also. So, for some time it is okay to feel homesickness as long as eventually you open yourself up to this new home and all of the possibilities of a life lived there.
